THAT’S IT! I AM HAVING A KID!

Before we go any further, I have to say outright that I am not pregnant. Now that that is clear, we can begin.

We all know that Paul is 4 and finds entertainment in driving me insane. It’s his thing. I get it. I married it. I have told him many times that he should celebrate the fact that I am his wife because I am the only person on the planet who will put up with him. Two nights ago he took the annoyance to a whole new level.

We were enjoying some quiet time in the living room before bed. I was doing some work – building a website for his parents’ restaurant. He had previously been bugging me by sticking his fingers all over my computer screen, pushing the touch screen, making the mouse jump all over, folding the laptop so that the computer would close. I reminded him that I was doing all of this for his family but he didn’t seem to care.

He backed off, I went back to work on the website and then he launched into a full sock attack. He took the socks off his feet, put one in each hand, ran over to me screaming and proceeded to shove his dirty socks in my face. Now, the socks weren’t all that dirty and they weren’t at all smelly but the thought of having socks that had been on his feet most of the day in my eyes, in my ears, up my nose (yes, yes he did) and in my mouth drove me to a new level. I started to fight back.

I tried. I really did. I shoved the computer to the far side of the couch, yelled loudly that I was doing this for his family and tried to fight him off. I moved over, threw my arms in face protection mode and stood up.

“That’s it!” I yelled. “I’m going to have a kid so that you can take all of this energy and put it into someone else! You can pick on the kid instead of me!”

And then, I ran over to the phone, hit the call button and dialed Paul’s mom.

”Who are you calling?” Paul asked laughing. “My mom?”

”Yes. I’m going to tell her that she’s going to be a grandma.”

She answered like she just woke up, “Helloo?” she replied in a scratchy morning voice.

“I have good news! You’re going to be a grandmother!”

Pause….. She didn’t say anything for about six seconds so I decided to chime in.

”Paul is torturing me so I told him that this was it. I’m going to have a kid so he can torture the kid and not me.”

She laughed and laughed.

”Sorry,” I said. “Did you actually think I was pregnant?”

”Well, I wasn’t sure. I thought it might be something funny, which is why I didn’t say anything. I know you two.” And then she laughed again.

I thought it was funny, so I posted something on Facebook. It read something like this:

“I just called Paul’s mom to tell her that she’s going to be a grandma. Leanna Dugan, before you get upset, let me explain. After having Paul’s socks shoved into my eyeballs, ears, nose and mouth, I just decided that I have had enough. If I have a kid, maybe Paul will leave me alone.”

Within two minutes, a relative on my mom’s side was congratulating me. Nuts. I had to post a correction that I was not actually pregnant and then I deleted the post before anyone else could see it.

So, no, I am not pregnant. And, yes, I still get tortured and annoyed. But the same guy who drives me absolutely nuts went to the grocery store today so that I did not have to. He bought food for dinner and even cooked. And, he ate some chocolate.